I seem to have never ending questions as from day to day, Faith's situation changes.

Here is the run down of my daughter's issues just to refresh your memory.

Faith was adopted from Vietnam at the age of 5 and is now nine. She has a hereditary blood disease which requires blood transfusions called Beta Thalassemia Major. She received blood transfusions once a month in Vietnam, just enough to basically keep her alive.They did the best they could, which wasn't much.

Faith has gradually had to get more frequent transfusions. We are now up to every other Friday, and we are working hard to keep her pre-transfusion level around 10 or so. Lately, on her dose of 500 mg of Ex-Jade, her ferritin continues to rise again, possibly because of the increased blood transfusions. Her ferritin is now around 900.

Faith does still have her spleen, although many children with Beta Thalassemia Major have had theirs removed and likely, she will have to too.

Faith has a porta cath placed in the left side of her chest and that has been there since 01/2007.

Faith has hearing issues. She has had two sets of tubes and we were then told that Faith has a bone malformation in her inner ears and the only help would be hearing aids and an fm technology system to use at school and while out in noisy places.

Faith also has reactive hypoglycemia, meaning we feed her every 3 hours at least, she has a diet of vegetables, lean meats, and whole grains,,,and NO NO NO SUGAR!

Lately, and for the past 2 years, nothing is working for Faith as she continues to struggle in school and speaks in broken language. This is NOT an ESL issue. She cannot find the words, doesnt understand concepts such as cause and effect and so on.

Faith has been tested and it has been determined that she has a low iq, (69), which classifies her as mildly mentally retarded. We have gone through many cognitive and developmental tests to determine what is best for Faith and still......................here we are with not many more answers than what we began with.

It has been determined that Faith has auditory, visual, and central processing disorders. She may hear something, see something, be involved in an activity, yet her brain doesn't know how to respond or react to the information she is taking in. We were then referred by Dr Hardy in the Behavioral clinic at Children's Mercy to the Speech and language clinic for a complete language evaluation. This appt date is set for January 18th, 2011.

We were also sent to the Midwest Ear Institute to see Dr. Sarah King and beginning APD therapy.

It was also determined by Dr. Hardy that a strict IEP needs to be followed for Faith at school with preferential seating, less work, adaptions on the work given, and so on. Also, retaining her was determined to not be a beneficial. Faith is in a small private school. Her classroom consists of 17 students with 1st and 2nd grade combined.

Faith has started APD therapy and we will continue with this once a week for 14 weeks. Dr. King said she is hopeful that we will see some improvement in Faith, but does not know how much as Faith's case and medical needs are so unique.

When we went the past 2 weeks to APD therapy, Faith had perfect hearing and the dr said that her hearing aids are not beneficial at this time and to discontinue using them.

This week when we went back, Faith had significant hearing loss in both ears, more so in the left ear though.

The doctor stopped the therapy to consult me on her findings. She said that she could not see much in Faith's ear due to scar tissue, but she determined that her eardrum was not moving at all in either ear.

She is insure if Faith now has fluid build up or if she has a bony growth in her ear, causing hearing loss. She told us that Faith now needs to wear her hearing aids again.

She asked, "Have you ever considered tubes?" I almost fell out of the chair because Faith has had 2 sets, and it was determined that they would not work for her, thus the fitting of her hearing aids. I said, What do we do? She had no answers.

She is referring us back to Children's Mercy hospital to consult the ENT team there. I am making that appt today.

She also will be referring us to see a Neuro-Otologist to look into Faith's hearing issues, along with neuro disorders and so forth that may involve the ear.

I have asked Faith's hematologist on more than one occasion to refer us to a genetics doctor, so that we may somehow find out some missing pieces of Faith's puzzle. I was told that we didn't need to see a geneticist.

I am not leaving the life of my child in someone else's hands when I feel in my gut that I should persue this, so that we may find answers as we obviously have NO medical history on her. Due to being adopted internationally, little info is given on the adopted child, because little is known.

I feel that I should do everything in my power to find some..............any.......... answers for Faith so that when she gets to the age of child-bearing years, she will have all the information she needs to determine if having biological children is the right thing for her and her husband.

I think I would be doing her an injustice if I did not seek and find for her. So, I am also making an appointment for her to see a geneticist at Children's Mercy Hospital today.

I have ALWAYS felt like I am on an island by myself when it comes to finding answers for Faith. There has been no book, or guide instructing me what to do next, or when to do this or that.

This is frustrating as I feel we are not much farther in our investigation than we were 2, 3, 4 years ago.

I am looking for resources, answers, suggestions, and prayers that we make the right decisions and choices for my daughter.

Please give me input.....advice, support,,,,,,anything that you feel may be of good use to our family.

Thank you,

Bambi Rockhold

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/photo.php?fbid=166903113321870&set=a.147513408594174.26024.146903728655142&theater

Where are you Christmas?

My heart has been so heavy for many days now. Today, I awoke feeling like I just may not die. I didn't say that I felt great, inspired, rested, ready to conquer the world.....but, that I just may NOT crumble and die today.

You may think this statement seems exaggerated, dramatized, or a tab bit too much. Not so, my friend, I have wanted to vanish for several days now.

Yesterday, I could not muster the ability to come to work, I just couldn't do it. Usually, I worry about everyone else and how my actions will affect them.....but not yesterday.

I would compare my feeling of emotional desperation to an elephant sitting on me. I physically could not get up.

As you know, Faith has been going through bouts of testing. We have been sent here, there, and yonder to figure out those missing links for her.

If you saw my last post, you know that the test results were not good....low IQ, processing disorders, and referrals to yet, more doctors.

We are already a large, busy family. I take Faith every other Friday to get her blood transfusions. She also sees the hearing and endocrinology clinics at Children's Mercy.

I work full time and also have 5 other children....so yes, this seems like alot some days, but this is our life. It's just what we do, kinda like brushing your teeth. After awhile, you just get used to it.

Faith has been referred to the Speech clinic at CMH for a full language evaluation, whatever that means.

She has also been referred back to The Mid West Ear Institute for 14 week processing disorder therapy. This does not sound fun to me....let me just say that.

However, I will do whatever I can to try and help my daughter learn, in a manner that works for her.

I was told in my meeting with the IQ doctor that Faith will more than likely need to go back to public school. She said that Faith needs many special services and resources that she is not able to get at her small private school. I work at her school now and as a family, we love it! I can't imagine the thought of switching her to another school...in fact, the thought just worries me to death. How will I get her there and back and still make it to work on time?

How will I pay for after school care so that someone at the other school will watch her until I can drive and get her, after I'm done at work?

Will she learn the words....sex......gay..... and other ugly words in the public school setting? I am not trying to put her in a bubble and yes, in life, she will hear these things. But, right now, she is so pure and innocent. I don't want to corrupt that not even for a split second.

So, right now, this is what I have decided to do.

I have to decided to take a break...take a breather. I cannot grasp everything for Faith that I need to at this very moment. Thinking about all the unknows seems to have been consuming me lately.

I need to pull my thoughts together, discuss in depth all options with my husband...and then proceed. I'm not even sure I will accomplish this until after our Christmas break.

Right now, I must get through Christmas for the sake of my children.

Today is December 9th, and I have yet to put up a Christmas tree or buy gifts for my children. Again, I physically can't.

Christmas for me has become harder for me as the years pass by. With the death of my mother, the depression I struggle with and other life happenings, I struggle to be joyous these days.

I do believe that Christmas is SO AWESOME.......I just can't express that right now because I don't feel it.

If I could be a jeanie, I would wish that I would come home one day.....and my house would be decorated for Christmas.

The tree would be up and decorated, cinnamon candle burning, decorations of snowmen and the color red will flow through each room.

I was at my sister's house last night and noticed how beautiful her house looks. If I were Santa, you betcha I'd stop there first.

She has a small tree and a big tree, snowmen, and all kinds of pretties everywhere. She has a beautiful red table cloth on her dining room table. Everything just screams, BE HAPPY, IT'S CHRISTMAS!!

And yet....I have trouble finding my Christmas. Some might say, You must do this for your kids. They need this.

But, what do you do if an elephant is sitting on you and you physically can't decorate, put up the tree, and get the gifts....then what?? THEN WHAT??

How does one go about removing an elephant from their chest? How many people does it take to pull it off? I want to kick it off myself, but, I surely cannot do this alone.

I ask that you please pray for me....I need to find Christmas in my heart. I need to do this.

Bambi

Please watch this life-changing video.

I find myself asking many questions, to myself, to God, to just a few friends and family that I have shared this diagnosis with.

I know how unsure I feel the future is for my daughter.

No one can reason and tell me she will be fine. Please do not try.....you are wasting your breath.

She IS fine now. She IS nine. She CAN function as a nine year old, but WILL she be able to function as a twenty-nine year old?

If you say YES.....can you promise me that?? RIGHT NOW....PROMISE ME!

How will her lil life unfold before our eyes. I don't ask to see the future......but, I do ask to see....... Faith.

So funny that I knew what her name was to be even before I knew who she was and I never knew how fitting her name would be.

I liked the name Rachael,Madelyn, oh there were many names that went through my mind......but, God said, "Faith"......her name is Faith.

I remember a man from the adoption telling me very sternly...."This child is very sick. Do you hear me? This is not an illness that will go away. This disease is forever and should not be taken lightly. Don't make a fast judgment call because this is something to ponder over. Do not just say that your family will adopt her....consider all the factors of "THIS" child.

And with a pull that I cannot explain, God said "GO!" He said GO.....do not stop.

I said, But God, what if? And my husband God...he isnt on the same page....and God, what if she comes home and just dies..then what?

And then in my bedroom one night, I remember this like it happened yesterday, My husband and I came to the conclusion that we could NOT just leave her in Vietnam. She would surely die....that was her punishment...for being born into this world....the death penalty....at 5 years old.

And God said.....GO......RUN.....DO NOT STOP!

I remember sending pictures of our family to the orphanage where she was so she could see us before we arrived to adopt her.

When we did arrive, those pictures were still in the same ziploc bag that I had sent them in.

We were told that she had taken our picture around to each of her friends. Over and over she said.....Look, this is my family, they are coming for me.

She slept with those pictures, in that ziploc bag, under her pillow each night until we came.

When she saw me she pointed to the picture of our family and back at me, time and time again as if to say...that's YOU...YOU came!

Those pictures were paper thin, and were her most valued treasure.

I know one thing for sure. I did not misunderstand God when he said GO! Many people, many my own family, questioned what we were missing or in search of that we had to go 1/2 way around the world for this diseased child.

We were missing Faith.....and Faith was missing us.

Their comments were so hurtful that I could almost not bear them. It took every once of umph in me not to crumble to the floor and fall apart.
How could they say these things? How could they feel these things? Don't they see what I see?

Standing on this side, I know I was meant to be Faith's Momma. I know that I am her VOICE!! I will be HEARD! She WILL get whatever therapy or extra assistance she needs because I WILL FIGHT FOR HER!

She is beautiful, and perfect, and she had Faith....at 5 years old to believe that we would come to an orphanage in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam to scoop her up and whisk her to a brighter land, to get the medical treatments she deserves.

No, I am not happy. I am scared to death. I am saddened and my heart is so happy for my perfect girl....and the things they say she has.

I still want to crawl under the covers and cry uncontrollably.

But, I know one thing without a doubt. GOD IS BIGGER THAN ME! I know he has this. I know he said GO!

And bear with me while I muster the Faith to get through today!

Bambi

Spinning in Circles

We have been though a bout of testing over the last several weeks and months to determine how we can help Faith in her academics.

She is, has been struggling for some time now with school work and does not grasp concepts in many areas.

She is a very hard worker, but her brain doesn't seem to work in the way it should.


I just received a call from the doctor who did her last round of testing.

My head is spinning and I really need to throw up.

The doctor determined that Faith has an IQ of 69 and testing shows that she is mildly mentally retarded.

She said that this is why she is not grasping school, daily concepts, and life in general at times.

All I could think, as I felt like I was out of my body and she was talking to someone else, was that she surely can't be talking about my child.

She has us confused with the Rockland or Rockford family, it's definitely not the Rockhold family's Faith she is talking about.

I realize this does not define my child....but, does it?

Questions run through my head as it spins.....will she get married? Live on her own? Hold down a good job with health benefits that she so desperately needs?

What do I do now? I am supposed to meet with the doctor on Friday, when Faith goes for her blood transfusion, to discuss these tests more in depth.

How do we move forward??

Why......oh why God does she get the short straw in life?? At every turn she is not getting what I feel, as her mother, that she deserves.

When a child is an orphan, especially one that has HUGE medical issues, you would think they they would get a FREE ride to a happy life...no bumps or bruises.

I can't even call my husband and tell him this....what do I say? How do I even begin to utter those nasty words I heard from the doctor?

Linny, over at A Place Called Simplicity, always talks on her blog about sipping tea on her front porch. To my friend and I, Linny is very close with us. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl, she knows everything about us from A to Z.

I really wish she would call and invite me to come sit on her porch and sip hot tea with her. We wouldn't have to talk Linny...sometimes it's not necessary. We could just, sit, sip, and pray awhile.

There is another situation in our family that breaks my heart into 1 million pieces. This situation is personal, so I choose not to share it here, please please know it's a long, rough battle...uphill......in 6 feet of snow, or so it seems sometimes.

Just imagine someone coming in, in the middle of the night, and stealing one of your children. They are gone......your child, the child you would love to the moon and back has vanished. That's the kind of pain I'm talking about. I do not feel that anyone understands.......no one GETS it....do they? I feel like I'm in this battle alone and I pray that I consume the advice that some have given to me, because I am out of answers and solutions.

I want this fixed....I want this better.....I just want to BE.

There is no easy fix to the troubles we are going through right now. No windex or Magic Erasers will wipe these UGLY smears away! Oh, how I wish they could....but, no.

I need help, from my friends, and friends that I haven't even met yet to help me pray over my girls.

All of my girls are orphans, no matter how and when they entered our family. Each story so differently orchestrated, but God told me that I was their Mom. Yet, sometimes I ask God, are you sure it's me you have chosen because I am so unequipped for so many things.

Not sure why he trusted me, cause really...I'm a LIL WHACKED OUT most of the time! But, I love my girls with my whole heart...every lil bit of it, and yet I cannot take away some of their fears, worries, trust issues, or emotional baggage that they have endured.

WHy does it have to be this hard? Just let me take their pain and baggage God.....let me bear their burden and all will be well....right?

I want to run home, pull the shades, turn off the phones, pull the covers up over my head and never come out.

I didn't say this was a logical choice, just what I'm feeling right now.

I'm worried about so much right now....finances, relationships, Christmas presents for the kids.....you name it, I am worrying about it.

I'm just asking for peace.....just simple, plain, naked peace...that's all.

So, Linny, in case you pop in, I could use a long spell of sitting and a tall glass of hot tea on your porch with you. I would like a bit of sugar too.



Please pray for my husband, our family, and the children that God has entrusted us with.....I'm scared!
Bambi

Fankful Friday

Yes, it's Fankful Friday. I couldn't say Thankful Thursday, because it's Friday...so you get "Fankful Friday," just play along please.

So, my girl Linny, over at A Place Called Simplicity, She has had many friends post on her blog about the lil or big things that they are "FANKFUL" for.

So, here I am.......waiting for my girl Linny to invite my over to her porch for coffee....Ehhhhhh Hemmmmmmm Yawn..... and telling you why I am thankful.

It's so funny how we "plan" our lives.

Here was my plan, just in case you were wondering. I was going to have 4 children. My husband said 2, I said 4, so I figured we would meet in the middle with 3....wink wink!

They would all be blond haired, blue eyed beauties. My daughter would have long hair, a few ringlets of curls on the ends, and eyes so deep they would melt the soul of anyone who gazed into them.

Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll, let's just say, I'm glad my life isn't MINE! I am glad that there is a greater ONE who decides my steps and my path.

After spending the weekend with some beautiful sisters of mine at a Women of Faith conference, I have come to realize just how precious life is.

This life is so fast paced. Most days I just want to grab all my kids, tell them to get into their coziest pair of jammies, pop popcorn, grab a movie, and then we would all run to my bed to snuggle.

Those.....are the moments I live for.

It's so hard to see that my big kids are growing up. They are taller than me, which most people are, but, they have to lean down now to hug me. They are turning into young men and women, and I have to say that it hurts my heart a lil bit to see them getting bigger and more independent.

I don't think I truly ever valued life until we traveled to China and Vietnam.

I did and still do at times, take many things for granted. So many things just don't matter to me as they used to.

I remember my sister and I discussing the new Mercedes that an Arbonne lady at the convention had received for her hard work.

My sister and I agreed that Mercedes really aren't that grand. Sure they look pretty, drive nice.....hey they may even have the seats that warm your bum with a touch of a button. But, how many orphans could be saved with the money that bought that fancy schmancy car?

How many orphanages could be built in China, Vietnam, Africa with that money?

How many pairs of shoes could be purchased for orphans, such as my daughter, who went barefooted, in countries that aren't as blessed as we are in the good ole US of A?

Yes, Reality sometimes SUCKS! Why talk about sad times and starving children in foreign lands....oh that makes me sad...some may say!

But, truly.....that could be my daughter without shoes, without food, without a home in a far away land.

I will never forget the day we met Faith. She was 5 and in Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. They day was so magical. I didn't say easy......it was magical.

I was told of how she took the picture of our family around and showed her friends saying....Their coming for me. My family is coming for me. She slept, for months with our picture under her pillow. She had faith that we were coming.

I'm not sure that I could have had Faith to continue waiting. I'm pretty antsy in case you don't know. Waiting in line at Target nearly kills me every time! Can I get another checker PALEEEEZ???

But, she waited, and waited......over 3 years she lived in that orphanage as other children came and went...and yet, she waited.

And then, God put a seed of hope in a crazy momma's heart half way across the world for this tiny, sickly, but faithful Asian girl.

I remember how I begged God for help, knowing we could not get to her. The finances were not there.......How would we do it.

But, you see, God sends us friends, in times when we need them. And with God's help, this friend taught me to make jellies.

We (God and I.....yes, he let me tag along!) brought our Faith home, one jar at a time!

HE IS SO COOL LIKE THAT!

So, today I am thankful for Faith, for her faith, and for that tiny seed of hope that God planted in this Momma's heart to help her find her way "home!"


Thank you God for showing me that we can save 147 billion orphans.....1 at a time!

Bambi

S.O.S. I NEED ASSISTANCE PLEASE!!!

This may not seem like a big deal to some, but I need help!! I cannot do this on my own!!

I want...eh hemmmm....I NEED...a cute blog! I wanna sassy blog. I wanna blog that shows how spunky I am, that shows off my kids,,,that represents my life and stuff! You know....STUFF!

So, if you know how to help me do this on my own or you know of someone that I can pay with homemade cookies to do this for me...PLEASE EMAIL ME NOW at heart1054@hotmail.com!

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Thanks,
Bambi