Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Spinning in Circles

We have been though a bout of testing over the last several weeks and months to determine how we can help Faith in her academics.

She is, has been struggling for some time now with school work and does not grasp concepts in many areas.

She is a very hard worker, but her brain doesn't seem to work in the way it should.

I just received a call from the doctor who did her last round of testing.

My head is spinning and I really need to throw up.

The doctor determined that Faith has an IQ of 69 and testing shows that she is mildly mentally retarded.

She said that this is why she is not grasping school, daily concepts, and life in general at times.

All I could think, as I felt like I was out of my body and she was talking to someone else, was that she surely can't be talking about my child.

She has us confused with the Rockland or Rockford family, it's definitely not the Rockhold family's Faith she is talking about.

I realize this does not define my child....but, does it?

Questions run through my head as it spins.....will she get married? Live on her own? Hold down a good job with health benefits that she so desperately needs?

What do I do now? I am supposed to meet with the doctor on Friday, when Faith goes for her blood transfusion, to discuss these tests more in depth.

How do we move forward??

Why......oh why God does she get the short straw in life?? At every turn she is not getting what I feel, as her mother, that she deserves.

When a child is an orphan, especially one that has HUGE medical issues, you would think they they would get a FREE ride to a happy bumps or bruises.

I can't even call my husband and tell him this....what do I say? How do I even begin to utter those nasty words I heard from the doctor?

Linny, over at A Place Called Simplicity, always talks on her blog about sipping tea on her front porch. To my friend and I, Linny is very close with us. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl, she knows everything about us from A to Z.

I really wish she would call and invite me to come sit on her porch and sip hot tea with her. We wouldn't have to talk Linny...sometimes it's not necessary. We could just, sit, sip, and pray awhile.

There is another situation in our family that breaks my heart into 1 million pieces. This situation is personal, so I choose not to share it here, please please know it's a long, rough 6 feet of snow, or so it seems sometimes.

Just imagine someone coming in, in the middle of the night, and stealing one of your children. They are gone......your child, the child you would love to the moon and back has vanished. That's the kind of pain I'm talking about. I do not feel that anyone one GETS they? I feel like I'm in this battle alone and I pray that I consume the advice that some have given to me, because I am out of answers and solutions.

I want this fixed....I want this better.....I just want to BE.

There is no easy fix to the troubles we are going through right now. No windex or Magic Erasers will wipe these UGLY smears away! Oh, how I wish they could....but, no.

I need help, from my friends, and friends that I haven't even met yet to help me pray over my girls.

All of my girls are orphans, no matter how and when they entered our family. Each story so differently orchestrated, but God told me that I was their Mom. Yet, sometimes I ask God, are you sure it's me you have chosen because I am so unequipped for so many things.

Not sure why he trusted me, cause really...I'm a LIL WHACKED OUT most of the time! But, I love my girls with my whole heart...every lil bit of it, and yet I cannot take away some of their fears, worries, trust issues, or emotional baggage that they have endured.

WHy does it have to be this hard? Just let me take their pain and baggage God.....let me bear their burden and all will be well....right?

I want to run home, pull the shades, turn off the phones, pull the covers up over my head and never come out.

I didn't say this was a logical choice, just what I'm feeling right now.

I'm worried about so much right now....finances, relationships, Christmas presents for the name it, I am worrying about it.

I'm just asking for peace.....just simple, plain, naked peace...that's all.

So, Linny, in case you pop in, I could use a long spell of sitting and a tall glass of hot tea on your porch with you. I would like a bit of sugar too.

Please pray for my husband, our family, and the children that God has entrusted us with.....I'm scared!