Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Florida......ahhhhh I will miss you

I am back from training in Orlando Florida. My friend Kim went with me. It was nice to take a "TIME OUT" and catch my breath! Wheh, I needed that!

Let me first say that it's amazing how God orchestrates things.
A few years ago, I did not know who Kim was. She and I met through the Miracle of adoption. Her daughter Lily (age 5) is adopted from China just like our Gracie.

Now I have to say that the past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. It has just been rough. My depression has been magnified as I went through the loss of my mother.

In the end, my mother and I were not close. I tried to distance myself from her for personal reasons which you may not understand. During the final three days of my mother's life, I was dutifully by her bedside. I begged God for forgiveness many times during these three days as well as grace and mercy for my mother as she was in the process of going home to be with Jesus.

I am not guilt free. I have many regrets. This is a burden that I will have to carry forever, or until Jesus helps me make peace with it.

This being said, there are many things worse than death. I believe this with my whole heart. My mother's life, especially the past couple of years as she grew sicker and sicker, was worse than death.

I had no idea the pain and agony she and my father had gone through. Hindsight is always 20/20 they say. Well, I think "THEY" are right.

Now, back to Kim. Kim was with me during my mother's death. It was just she and I and the hospice nurses in the room. I could not have done this entire nasty ordeal without her.

I even remember Kim slouching on the wall in the wee hours of the morning. No drool yet, just slouching, but I could tell it was coming.

She and I didn't have the energy to correct the nurses when they called us sisters. It doesn't matter to us that we are not blood. So many things are thicker than blood in my book. So, I told her to climb on the bed next to my mother. She said Bambi, why do yo want me up there...Im fine. I said, "MOM WOULD WANT YOU BESIDE HER!" wink wink

I cope with tragedy and many life struggles with humor, as I did this day. By, the way, Kim decided to join "MOM" and I on the bed that day. HA!

I have never found a more genuine girl than Kim. If I look like crap, I could hear her say....GIIIIIRL, you wanna stay in and have lunch instead of going out? She is that "TRUE" all times.You never wonder with her...sometimes I wish I did.... LOL Just kidding!

She and I have been through the most difficult times of our lives in the past year. From deaths, financial struggles, job loss, marital issues and other personal has been very rough.

It is always so great to be with a friend during hard times than to be alone.

All this said, I feel blessed to call you my friend Kim. I am thankful of how God orchestrated our lives to cross paths with each others.

As Kim and I "O SO COMFORTABLY" sat on the plane from Memphis to Missouri yesterday, my heart ached for a woman that I have never met. I am currently raising a child (Faith) that's biological mother is living in Vietnam. She was forced to give Faith up at almost the age of two because she and her father could no longer medically care for her.

I know her name. I know the father's name. I have their exact address and I have a piece of each of them in my daughter Faith.

My heart has a hole knowing how big of a burden this must be for the mother who thinks she will never see her naturally born child again.

I wonder, does she lay awake at night thinking of Faith? Does she hold on to her mementos, as the only memories she has with Faith during her first two years of life?

I remember after we brought Faith home from Vietnam at the age of five. She could barely speak English but, she mustered friends, Vietnam, you take me back..take blankets?

She was very insistent and made me promise her that I would take her back to Vietnam to see her friends and to take them blankets because they were without one. How do you look into a 5 year old child's eyes and say no to a question like that?

And so I promised that "one day" I would take her back, to see her homeland, to see her friends and to supply them with blankets, hoping that also during this time we could find her biological mother. I long to let her know that Faith is okay. She is well cared for, pink is her favorite color, she loves school and I love her more than the very breath I breathe.

Now, as a family of seven, I knew this would not happen soon. Most months we are lucky to keep gas in the cars and food in the pantry. Life is expensive and there is no extra money now, nor will there be, as far as I can see, in the near future.

But, I long to fulfill my promise and I hope that with God's help,,,,one day I can.