Where are you Christmas?

My heart has been so heavy for many days now. Today, I awoke feeling like I just may not die. I didn't say that I felt great, inspired, rested, ready to conquer the world.....but, that I just may NOT crumble and die today.

You may think this statement seems exaggerated, dramatized, or a tab bit too much. Not so, my friend, I have wanted to vanish for several days now.

Yesterday, I could not muster the ability to come to work, I just couldn't do it. Usually, I worry about everyone else and how my actions will affect them.....but not yesterday.

I would compare my feeling of emotional desperation to an elephant sitting on me. I physically could not get up.

As you know, Faith has been going through bouts of testing. We have been sent here, there, and yonder to figure out those missing links for her.

If you saw my last post, you know that the test results were not good....low IQ, processing disorders, and referrals to yet, more doctors.

We are already a large, busy family. I take Faith every other Friday to get her blood transfusions. She also sees the hearing and endocrinology clinics at Children's Mercy.

I work full time and also have 5 other children....so yes, this seems like alot some days, but this is our life. It's just what we do, kinda like brushing your teeth. After awhile, you just get used to it.

Faith has been referred to the Speech clinic at CMH for a full language evaluation, whatever that means.

She has also been referred back to The Mid West Ear Institute for 14 week processing disorder therapy. This does not sound fun to me....let me just say that.

However, I will do whatever I can to try and help my daughter learn, in a manner that works for her.

I was told in my meeting with the IQ doctor that Faith will more than likely need to go back to public school. She said that Faith needs many special services and resources that she is not able to get at her small private school. I work at her school now and as a family, we love it! I can't imagine the thought of switching her to another school...in fact, the thought just worries me to death. How will I get her there and back and still make it to work on time?

How will I pay for after school care so that someone at the other school will watch her until I can drive and get her, after I'm done at work?

Will she learn the words....sex......gay..... and other ugly words in the public school setting? I am not trying to put her in a bubble and yes, in life, she will hear these things. But, right now, she is so pure and innocent. I don't want to corrupt that not even for a split second.

So, right now, this is what I have decided to do.

I have to decided to take a break...take a breather. I cannot grasp everything for Faith that I need to at this very moment. Thinking about all the unknows seems to have been consuming me lately.

I need to pull my thoughts together, discuss in depth all options with my husband...and then proceed. I'm not even sure I will accomplish this until after our Christmas break.

Right now, I must get through Christmas for the sake of my children.

Today is December 9th, and I have yet to put up a Christmas tree or buy gifts for my children. Again, I physically can't.

Christmas for me has become harder for me as the years pass by. With the death of my mother, the depression I struggle with and other life happenings, I struggle to be joyous these days.

I do believe that Christmas is SO AWESOME.......I just can't express that right now because I don't feel it.

If I could be a jeanie, I would wish that I would come home one day.....and my house would be decorated for Christmas.

The tree would be up and decorated, cinnamon candle burning, decorations of snowmen and the color red will flow through each room.

I was at my sister's house last night and noticed how beautiful her house looks. If I were Santa, you betcha I'd stop there first.

She has a small tree and a big tree, snowmen, and all kinds of pretties everywhere. She has a beautiful red table cloth on her dining room table. Everything just screams, BE HAPPY, IT'S CHRISTMAS!!

And yet....I have trouble finding my Christmas. Some might say, You must do this for your kids. They need this.

But, what do you do if an elephant is sitting on you and you physically can't decorate, put up the tree, and get the gifts....then what?? THEN WHAT??

How does one go about removing an elephant from their chest? How many people does it take to pull it off? I want to kick it off myself, but, I surely cannot do this alone.

I ask that you please pray for me....I need to find Christmas in my heart. I need to do this.

Bambi